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Thursday, April 05, 2007

Angie, Help Me Out Here

Let's say you show up at the airport with only minutes to spare. You do not have time to spend 2 hours in line. So you dress like this, they wave you right past Homeland Security onto the plane, and -- boom! -- you're in Holland.

I know, I know: You didn't want to go to Holland, but that's the only place where dress like this will be ignored. At least you didn't have to wait long.

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Lois Lane seems to have turned up missing (I love that turn of phrase), so I thought I would duck in here and cause a little mischief. For instance, I spent some time feeling around in Glumbert's pants, and so should you.

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Personally, I think Lois's sister, Angie, could be of help. What say, Angie, you got a b**g or two on you? We could take turns until Lois gets tired of getting beaten up by old people.

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I read a story today about "a man shot in the cul-de-sac..." Very interesting. I got shot in the alley once.

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Al Gore is a big buddy of mine. You know Al -- he's the one going save us from being cooked like a egg on the sidewalk. He is having a hard time getting anybody to do anything about global warning. So I am gonna help him out. I am recruiting a Mafia guy to go over to India and kill all those cows. Believe it or not, 4 percent of greenhouse gas emissions comes from cow farts.

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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Pete asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed, and asked, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago...."