I Go Crazy

I spent the weekend at my in-law's in Missouri. It was a last minute unplanned visit, but it went really well. Normally I am not much a fan of anything unplanned. I need to know what is going on well in advance. I'm anal, what can you do?

The worst part of the trip was accepting my son, Lane 1 driving us there. He has his learners permit. He and I have spent lots of hours practicing. I've taken him on the highway, toll way, back roads, city streets and even down a couple goat trails just for giggles and shits. Crossing state lines, well, not so much.

What is it about his driving that had me on edge? I'm not really sure. He is a good driver. I guess the fact that I birthed this kid, and now my life was in his hands for an extended period of time, could have been what had me trippin'. Obviously he didn't kill me, so it's all good.

Speaking of driving, I told my mother in-law that Mr. Lane is driving me crazy. I've seen a few things in my husband that I remember seeing in my own dad. They say you marry your father in a sense, so it shouldn't come as a great shock.

Like my dad, Mr. Lane is a great errand boy. He will go, do and fetch anything I ask-ish. If I make a list, he will happily go to the grocery store. He doesn't always come back with exactly what I've put on the list. Now, I know I should be happy that he is willing to do these things, but I'm going to complain anyhow.

When I make a list I go as far as writing down brand names, size etc. I hate to baby him but if I don't write that stuff down, he comes back with say, the wrong brand of coffee. We've been drinking the same brand forever, but somehow he didn't know what kind it was.

If I don't specify and just ask for, avocadoes, he brings me guacamole dip. If I just say jelly, he'll bring back strawberry jelly every time, even though Lane 1 and I are both allergic. If I ask for shampoo and conditioner, he'll bring back a bottle with the two combined in some weird-assed brand no one ever heard of. Are you getting the gist?

The other day I had the basic staples on the list. Just a few items to hold us together until I could go do a major stock-up trip. Bread, milk, Silk, eggs, bananas and water.

He called me from the store, "Lo, the closest thing they have is rayon."

"What?"

"Do you want to talk to the girl and let her tell you what they have?"

"What girl? What are you talking about?"

"The silk. They don't have silk here."

He was calling me from the craft and fabric section of Super Wal-Mart. "Yeah, I want to talk to the girl to tell her how dumb you are!" I only thought it.

Even though he has seen a carton of Silk (soy milk) in our fridge a thousand times, and seen me use it on my cereal, he still had no clue. If I wanted fabric, wouldn't I have had color and yards written down? It was pointless to ask.

"You know that fake milk you said tastes like ass? That's called Silk. It's by the milk."

"Oh!"

Oh, indeed! My mother in-law said he comes by it honest because his dad does the same thing. So ladies and gentlemen, is it just the men in my life? Are you that guy? Are you shacked up or married to that guy? Is this a guy thing or are there women out there who do this too? I've got to know! Comment line is now open.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!