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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

What Is Going On Inside Of That Pretty Little Head?

My wheels have been cranking so fast lately, I think I smell smoke. (Looks in mirror.) Holy crap! Where there's smoke, there's a fire. Quick, someone get me a hose! (haha! And make sure it's attached to a HOT fireman!)

Love And Marriage:
I was talking to a friend of mine about relationships and marriage. We were trying to figure out if people are really meant to be partners for life. Think about it for a while and drop me a line with your thoughts in the comments or e-mail. There will be another post about this at a later date. If you don't want your "name" used, please indicate so in the e-mail. Thanks in advance for your cooperation. (That sounds professional, doesn't it?!)

Left Behind:
Besides my dad having a terminal illness, things aren't going terrible. He is finally home and happy about it. He was in the hospital for two weeks. In that time, he mostly slept. I think he may have been over medicated because something good snapped when he came home.

After laying in a hospital for two weeks, waking only long enough to be spoon fed a couple slurps of soup here and there, and speaking only short phrases, most of which made little sense, he is actually doing pretty well. He is feeding himself, drinking on his own, talking, joking, laughing, singing and knows who everyone is.

Did any of you see the 1990 movie, Awakenings with Robert De Niro and Robin Williams? This homecoming was just that for my dad.

Because he was doing so poorly in the hospital (kidneys were shutting down, circulation was slowing, heart rate and blood pressure both dropped dangerously low) and the doctors couldn't do anything else for him, they called hospice to help with his "end of life care" at home. It was a hard pill to swallow. Nobody wants to lose someone they love but being able to except the inevitable and then witnessing this awakening, beats the hell out of losing him suddenly. Granted, there is no good way to go, but knowing he will leave this place and neither of us will have any wouldas, or shouldas, and certainly no couldas, makes the acceptance part much easier.

Without his recent awakening, I am sure he never doubted my love, but there's just so many other things to ask and say. Maybe it's the reporter in me. Whatever the case, I am at peace. Sad, but at peace.

Dream Weaver:
This afternoon I was at my parent's house. I sat on the couch and within seconds was sleeping. (Yeah, I know. My mom told me how helpful I was too! Shut up! I slept for less than 20 minutes.)

Okay, so I had a power nap. Normally, these things don't work for me. If I can't have three good solid hours, I just would rather not sleep. The last time I checked on my dad, he asked what time it was.

"It's 12:59, Dad. Are you thirsty?"
"A little. Mostly tired."
I gave him a sip of water, kisses to his forehead asked if he needed anything else and said, "Sleep well."

I sat on the couch, holding the speaker end of the monitor we set up in his bedroom and I was out. Down for the count. Fast asleep. Dreaming. Weird fast dreams.

I never knew how fast dreams take place in my mind. I assumed they played out slowly, like life. I could see faces and hear voices. But I went from one dream right into another, like I was watching a movie marathon.

Most of my dreams were about normal everyday stuff. Not the last one. It woke me, startled me and caused me to not only jump out of my skin, but run to my father's room to check that he was okay.

I've had the "falling" dream, which I think almost everyone has experienced. This one was different. I was at a family party. It was loud, had lots of people, all of whom I knew, and in my dream, I felt the beginning of the falling dream. It quickly turned into the feeling your tummy gets in an elevator, except much more intense. Have any of you been to Six Flags and gone on the Giant Drop or at Disney, the Hollywood Tower Of Terror?

I felt my head hit the top and in mid drop, my eyes popped open. I ran into my father's bedroom. He was okay. I felt like I was going to vomit! I called my kid's school. I know how terribly stupid this is now but had to know. I called Mr. Lane, who is out of town driving an 18-wheeler. He was okay. I felt like I was going to cry. I just had such a terrible feeling at 1:20 this afternoon. I was certain someone I cared about was not okay.

As of now, everyone is okay. I mean, I think they are.

Rollcall... Skullet Biker Dude, Inanna, Celti, Buster, Ginny, Jack, Michelle, Deni, Magz, Bryan, Lady Wyntir, Roxy, Aimee, Ryan, whitey, Becka, Bloomin' Onionhead, Aurora, Betty, Snave, Virgil, Charlie, Restless Angel, Veronica, Seven, Julie, Iki, El Sid, Jeanette, Erik, Katey, Trashman, Chica, Woody, Michael, Jade, Lizabeth, Kim, and all of you non-comment leaving readers.

Now, who here wants to tell me what the hell that was all about?