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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Hell Is For...

...Kitty. It's true. If there is a hell for animals, my cat Chip is going there. At first he was just acting like a brat. He was getting into all of the Christmas boxes, taking things out and running playfully with them clenched in his teeth like a dog.

He took ornaments with bells, tinsel, beaded garland and a string of lights into the kitchen and hid under the table.

"No Chip! Stop Chip! Damn it cat!"

I thought I heard the little fucker laugh as I chased him around trying to collect the stolen goods. He hid his face up the angel's skirt as if that made him invisible. I took the angel away, "Bad Chip!"

The kids thought Chip's approach to Christmas was too funny. The more he got into trouble, the more they giggled. Often times they provide dialog for what Chip would say if he could speak. The cat's rotten behavior provided the kids with plenty of material.

"How you doin'? What you got up that dress angel?" Lane 1 said in his best Chip voice.

As Chip tried to ingest a piece of tinsel, Lane 2 said, "This is just what I need to make my poop shimmer and it's tasty too."

I wanted to leave the decorations out and within his reach for at least a day before setting anything up just as a way to familiarize him with all this new stuff. I finally armed myself with a spray bottle filled with water to keep him from running off with anymore decorations. Although it helps, it is not 100% effective. He is relentless.

When we brought the tree home, he got that twinkle in his eyes again. I pointed to the tree, and said, "No Chip." He looked at me, then the tree, then at me again. Approaching with caution, he crouched his body like a low rider inching his way for a sniff. "No!" I said again.

Mr. Lane adjusted the tree and put water in its stand. Before Mr. Lane walked out of the room, Chip had dipped one of his paws into the water and shook it off frantically onto the carpet. He decided sugar water wasn't so bad after all and began drinking from the tree stand. I sprayed him again. He didn't mind and went in for another dip. "No Chip!"

The kids giggled as Chip hiked his ass up the tree to get away from the spray bottle. "No Chip!"

Since he drank most of the water from the stand, I shook the shit out of the tree to get him down. He took off like a bat out of hell heading toward the bathroom. He has a favorite place to lay in there by the heat vent. I took that opportunity to shut the door with him on the inside.

He let out a pathetic "meow" and poked his paws under the door.

As soon as someone opened the door to use the bathroom, he made a break for it. He sat on the coffee table checking things out from a safe distance. Lane 2 set up the claymation Santa Claus is Comin' to Town figurines and the nativity scene.

We took a dinner break. That is until we heard the sound of things falling. Chip was no longer on the coffee table. The four of us ran to see what kind of mayhem the little shit was causing. We caught him just in time as his tail whacked Miss Jessica off of her feet. He already had knocked down all of the others in the small village.

We picked up all of the figurines and headed back into the kitchen to finish dinner. With our butts barely in our chairs, we heard another clunk. This time it was the sound of glass.

"Kitty Kong strikes again."

That was the point where he had crossed the line. We witnessed him batting baby Jesus out of the manger and onto the floor. He treated him like a hockey puck made of catnip. There was no stopping him. He had hay stuck to his fur from laying on top of the manger and was frantically bashing baby Jesus about. He gave the ceramic figurine one good swat before being captured and sent back to the bathroom. Unfortunately, none of us saw where exactly baby Jesus went with that fateful blow.

I closed the bathroom door. "Bad Chip!"

Lane 1 cried out in his Chip voice, "It's 'cuz I'm black right? Don't be hatin'."

After a good laugh, we finished our cold dinner. Later that night we went on a hunt for baby Jesus to no avail. It wasn't until two days later that we found our savior underneath the chair in the living room that he could sleep in heavenly peace. That is until Kitty Kong strikes again. Do they made hand baskets for kitties?

Non-Meme Christmas Gift Giving Bonanza Continues!

If you are new to Home Fires and wondering what this is all about, this is my way to give my friends who live in my computer presents for Christmas. You can read more about it here. Feel free to join in the gift giving spirit.

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For my friend Poopie I have three Christmas gifts. May Poopie's Palace always have this peaceful easy feeling. (photo by Poopie)

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May she be loaded up with all of the proper tools for her many renovation projects.

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May this fine hunk of manliness be available to fill all roles Poopie sees fit. I was going to get her a run-of-the-mill cabana boy but when I spotted this fella, I had no doubt he could be her handyman, farmhand, cabana boy and anything else her pretty little head could dream up.

Many more Christmas gifts are coming soon to a blog near you!