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Sunday, April 13, 2008

Hoing Out Home Fires

Last night was so incredibly fun. I wish I could have taken you all with me. But, lucky for you, I have the next best thing. Contest time, people!!! This time I am just going to whore out my blog and whoever brings me the most comments is going to win... a DVD of David Nickerson's comedy! But wait there's more... it's an autographed copy!!!

It's been way too long since we've had a good contest. And since David was gracious enough to hang out with the old man and I after the show, we talked about his DVD and I told him I was going to put this contest together. Without batting an eye, he offered up two autographed copies for me to give away! That's right, first and second place winners will both receive an autographed copy.

We were at Walter Payton's Roundhouse ComedyComedy Club, and got to see three comedians. The first two were just okay. But David, holy shit, he is belly achin' funny. I thought the knot that holds my belly button closed was going to come undone. Seriously. Besides totally being my BFF... (best friend forever) on MySpace, we were instant in person friends and got to lol irl (laugh out loud in real life) yes, I have to explain everything.

I don't know how he managed to keep his act straight when he had a drunk girl heckling him in the audience. No, it wasn't me. Every time she opened her mouth and blurted something stupid, he pulled a one-liner out of his ass and threw it at her. At one point he handed her the microphone and gave her the stage. He sat next to her husband, where she had been sitting, and I can only guess he offered the man his condolences. Nothing like some sloppy drunk trying to steal a comedian's thunder. She wound up doing nothing more than embarrassing the shit out of herself and everyone with her, and getting booed off stage. And that is the last fucking time I take my mom anywhere.

I love to throw in zingers like that just making sure Mom is still reading my blog. I bet if my mom were there last night she would have taken that annoying bitch out into the parking lot and given her a per syllable beating, like the kind she used to give me when I had verbal diarrhea.

Anyhow, here's what you do... tell everyone you know to come here and leave a comment. They have to say who sent them so I can tally up the scores. Contest ends next week. That's it.

Because I've been slacking around here, I thought I'd give you a two-for-one post.

First... this is what happens when a 13 yr. old dresses up a dog in doll clothes.

This was my favorite picture in the whole photo shoot. Trust me, there were lots of pictures. Darla took the torture like a champ, so P.E.T.A. people, back off.

When I was a teenager, I remember air guitaring like no one's business. But it was something I did quietly in the privacy of my own room. I wanted to be one of the girls from Heart. With not one musically talented bone in my body, I gave up those dreams. But I still occasionally find myself thinking about those air guitar days.

Friday, those memories came back full force. Strangest thing ever to strike a relatively nice and normal memory... my dogs are in heat. Now you are thinking, Lois, how can a dog in heat remind you of air guitars? Well, I'm glad you asked. Because my dog, Darla, was walking in circles... air humping. It was by far the funniest thing I'd ever seen her do. With her elongated wiener dog body, she looked like a fucking accordion as she air humped around the room trying to get her back legs to keep rhythm with her front legs. I almost wish I'd gotten video of that, almost.

I will get them fixed after this first cycle is over. In the meantime, they have become lesbians. They hump the shit out of each other. And they don't seem to care if they are doing it doggy style or not. This morning, Daisy was humping Darla's head while Darla was humping Daisy's head. And that is what I call a K9-69 situation.