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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Boy With Toys

Mr. Lane recently got a new cell phone. It's one of the newfangled, fancy schmancy camera phones, with all the bells and whistles. It came with a manual as thick as my thigh. He won't take the time to read the book but he has been "experimenting" with his new gadget.

When he bought it, he picked the prettiest one. Yes, he is gay like that. He wouldn't accept any advice from the friendly sales staff. He wanted to buy the one he liked and get out in a hurry.

"No, you don't have to show me anything. I know how these work."
"Sir, it's our latest model and has several new features."
"Great. Ring me up."

The first day, he learned how to save phone numbers.

Day two, he learned that you can put a name next to the number.

On the third day, he learned that it had a built-in camera.

"Oh, cool! I didn't know it was a camera too! Smile, Lois! What the hell? How do you take a picture?"
Refusing to smile, I said, "I think you might want to try opening the lens."
He turned the camera phone around to get a better look. The flash nearly blinded the poor bastard.
"Looks like you've mastered photography. What now champ? You want to prank someone?"
"Everyone has Caller ID, Lois. I can't prank anyone."
"I know. It was a joke. I was trying to avoid the plan you are conjuring up in your head right now."
"What plan? I have no plan. Unless you wanna flash your boobs at me and I'll take your picture!"
"And that is exactly the plan I was talking about. You are so predictable."

He got mad about that comment and began taking pictures of himself and everything around him, except for me.

He was bothered that "the photo printer must be sold separately."

After a week, he noticed an icon and asked what it meant.

"It has wireless capability."
'What's that?"
"Why don't you read the instructions. I bet you'd be amazed at all the phone can do."
"Is wireless like your laptop's internet connection?"
"No, it's like the cordless phone in the kitchen. Yes! Yes it is wireless like my laptop."
"So I can go on the internet? With a phone? With my phone?"

I could feel a migraine coming on. "How about, you play with your phone and I'll go make sure we have a strong wireless connection?"
"Okay. Thanks!"

I sat on the floor next to my gazillion wires that allow me to have wireless internet connection. I just sat there. Knowing there was nothing to check I looked busy so he wouldn't ask me any more questions.

This morning, two weeks since he bought his phone/camera/wireless internet/and/do/everything/except/give/him/a/blowjob phone, I woke to my first e-mail from him. (First ever! 16 years with this man! 10 years of me playing on the World Wide Web! First e-mail people! This was huge!)

This was not your average text message either folks, he sent me a picture of himself. And if that were not enough of a treat, he was holding a handwritten sign that said, "I (heart) you!" But wait! There's more! He also figured out how to send voice messages. Accompanied by the photo with sign, was an audio clip that said, "Good morning Lois. I hope you have a wonderful day! I miss you and I love you!"

Awww! How sweet is that? I almost feel bad for making fun of the helpless little shit. Almost.