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Monday, March 07, 2005

No, Really, Let Me

Gentlemen, consider yourselves warned... This post is about women's health and may not be for the squeamish.

After seeing one of my first inventions come to life, unfortunately not by myself, I am certain that it's only a matter of time before my second invention becomes a reality. The story of my first invention, helping women pee while standing up, can be found in my January archives. (See "To Pee Or Not To Pee, That Is The Question")

I have no doubt, one of these days, ladies everywhere will be able to conduct their own pap smears in the privacy of their own homes. Currently a couple small labs are offering this, unfortunately they aren't making a big enough deal about it, so not many people know.

There are already at home drug kits and blood sugar testers among a few others, so why not the dreaded pap? It's not like us women don't know where everything is! At home testing might sound off the wall to some, but think about the level of embarrassment women face going and think about how many women you know who won't go for their annual visit. Personally, I know too many women who only see their doctor if they are pregnant or in pain.

At home testing came to mind immediately after I had my first dreaded exam, during the very impressionable teen years. No more stirrups, cold stranger's hands followed by the words, "Just a bit of pressure here." and best of all, no more fucking shoehorn!

Going to the gyno is no day at the beach but why is it that when we finally cave in and go, we get all dolled up like we are going on a date to the beach? Raise your hand if you can relate to showering, shaving, wearing your best panty and bra set, putting on perfume, wearing one of your nicest outfits, applying makeup and fixing your hair before going to the dreaded exam.

(Raises hand) Why do I get all fixed up knowing that by the time the doctor comes in to look at me, the nurse has already ordered me to strip down to my socks and into a paper gown? And... not only do I get fixed up like I am going on a date where the potential for sex is more than evident, I also hide my panties and bra when it comes time to change into the paper gown. Hey, you never know when there is going to be a panty raid!

"Wait a tic! I get to keep my socks on? Well, aren't you kind? At least I get to keep my dignity, you hag!"

So by the time the doctor comes in to see me, I am wearing a paper gown and my socks. Why don't I just show up there dressed that way next time?

Having at home testing kits readily available, would avoid all of this madness. I expect it's coming very soon and the kits would be sent to laboratories, with results to later be mailed back. Sounds pretty simple to me. I also suspect some guy, at some point, will masturbate to the instructional materials that will come with these kits. And I won't even mention the handful of guys who will ask to "help" their lady friends conduct the examination.