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Monday, April 27, 2009

He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother

Yoohoo! Is anyone home? Sorry to have worried anyone in my absence. I was off dying. No, no, it's okay. You don't have to send flowers just yet, and no, it isn't the swine flu. Just because I talk like a pig, doesn't mean jack diddly shit.

I was pretty sure I was dying, anyhow. I got a lovely case of pneumonia. I'm not going to lie, it may have been the worst I've ever felt in my life. Which means, A. I've had a pretty easy life or B. I was dying. I'll leave it up to you to decide. Now I am on the mend so I won't go on about how drowning in your own lung sludge feels much like drowning in a vat of pudding. Please don't ask how I might know.

Spring has sprung here at the Lane Estate. Flowers are in bloom. The humming birds are back. The kids are getting anxious for school to end and Mr. Lane is hornier than a pygmy chimpanzee. I don't know if you all know this, but that is the horniest animal on the planet. Not sure how I know that random fact. But much like his distant cousin, the old man can barely contain himself.

Since he is "ready" at the drop of a hat, I thought I'd mention, while in the throngs of passion, "I want another baby." Thinking I could catch my old man in a moment of weakness, he flung himself to the other side of the bed like I had a major case of crotch critters and said, "What are you, fucking nuts?! You can't have a baby at your age. The kid wouldn't be right, or normal."

"Really? So... I'm too old to have a baby?"

"Yeah! Never mind I wouldn't go under the knife to reverse my vasectomy for anything in the world!"

"I hate you."

"I hate you more. So are we going to finish?"

"You're a filthy slut!"

"And you like it!"

Baby fever hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. My old man talked me off the edge. Asking if I would really want to start all over with our kids on their way to adulthood so quickly. He's right. But I didn't tell him I thought so.

Lane 2 is graduating junior high school next month. She has spent her entire school career on the honor roll and received a special award for doing so. You guys have watched her grow up so I know you will understand why I'm beside myself with the thought of my baby going off to high school next year.

I miss that little bundle of fun. Well, actually, she was a really mellow baby and most of my family members called her Baby Do-Nothing. They did! Then again, she didn't.

Honestly, that child didn't walk until she was nearly two years old. Had I been a first-time mom, I may have worried about her development. But because I had Lane 1 to practice on, I was pretty sure, my baby girl was just way too smart to waste energy walking around.

She used to point, and Lane 1 would run to get whatever that baby wanted. She had no reason to work for anything, she had her flunky brother to take care of her needs. And, today, she still does. That girl can talk her brother into doing anything and everything for her.

Their relationship astounds me. Since he got his new car, he has taken her to the mall, the movie theater, bowling with friends, to friends' houses, out for ice cream, anywhere she asks. We should call her Lane 2 Gets, because what Lane 2 wants, Lane 2 gets.

Lane 1 is a good brother. He really is just a good kid all around. He goes to school, still makes crappy grades but sneaks by. Then he goes to work every night afterward. He's had the same job at the implement dealer since he turned 16, which has been nearly a year. Not as many fun stories as his pig farming days, however.

They are getting so old! He's been stockpiling his money since his new car purchase and is getting really close to where he was before that guy totaled his other car. The little allowance he gives himself from his paycheck he's always using to buy someone something.

Yeah, I guess you could say I like those two.

Lane 2 and I are going to be leaving for Florida soon. Just the girls headed off on a road trip. I can hardly wait. My niece Jen is getting married. So hard to believe how fast these kids are all growing up. While in Florida, I'll get to hang with all of Mr. Lane's family who will be at the wedding, and I will get to see my own brother, Mark and his family.

Maybe on the ride out there, I can get some pointers from my daughter on how I can get my brother to do whatever I want.