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Friday, March 28, 2008

Reeling In The Years

"I thought you were laying dead in a ditch somewhere!" I know, I know, I'm slacking here. And no, I'm not laying dead anywhere. Trust me, if I do die an untimely death, my family will have a funeral service set up via live feed. Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned. It's been almost two weeks since my last post. Good gravy! Why do I feel so guilty when I don't blog? Speaking of Catholic guilt... happy Easter really late to all of you.

Life has been filled with busy and crazy stuff. Easter was not celebrated at the Lane Estate this year. My sister Angie was going to host the festivities but because she had back surgery and is still in terrible pain, that just didn't work out so well. Please send her some feel good vibes.

The kids are a little old for the traditional coloring and hiding/finding of eggs. So without a family gathering, a big meal and eggs, it was just like any other random Sunday here. Sure, we could have gone to church but our local parishioners frown upon lightning hitting their house of worship. Seriously, some people have no sense of humor.

In their boredom, and in a very Brady way, the kids wanted to switch rooms. Lane 1 wanted to move upstairs and Lane 2 wanted to move downstairs. She has been upstairs since we moved here and he felt like it was his turn to get more space and privacy.

They cleaned their rooms and began moving furniture. Mr. Lane and I offered no help, so when the railing went through the wall as they tried cramming a bed up the stairs, we couldn't exactly be mad. After guilty faces came to us and told us about the holes in the wall, me and my old man looked at each other, shook our heads and said nothing.

The kids stood in shock at our silence. I don't know why but silent parents are scarier than the screaming variety. At least that's what they said. They decided against switching and stayed amazingly quiet for most of the day.

Spring break went pretty well, minus the holes in the wall. Not enough fun, time and or money but that's life. My old man took our boy on the road with him for a couple of days. The girl and I bonded over baking. There was also a houseful of her friends, mixed with a couple of dances at the teen center, makeup, laughter and a pinch of boy talk. (Ewww, gag me with a Ginsu, like totally!)

Lane 2 and I went to a banquet a couple of nights ago for the anti-drug, and alcohol campaign, all part of our volunteer work with the local teen center. My daughter's picture and a quote were in the newspaper, which they bragged about. You all know I love bragging about my kids, but when someone else does it, well I get plain old giddy.

Lane 2's newspaper quote, "If you start using drugs and alcohol, you might as well just kiss your life goodbye, girlfriend! *snap, snap*"

Do you know how funny it was seeing the man announcing that try to show her attitude with the snap, snap included? Picture a 50-plus yr. old man in a suit, otherwise acting a speaking very professionally, and then offering up a neck roll with a snap and another snap. Now that was comedy!

The teen center and my daughter were given an award (plaques) for their positive contributions to their community. It was really nice, and hopefully something she will always remember.

Did I even mention that my in-laws are here? Yes, we were just there but now it's their turn to visit us.

Oh, Bud Buckley has a new CD. I wrote a review and will post that soon, too. I'm trying to twist his arm for a huge contest CD giveaway. So stay tuned for that, it's good stuff!

In the midst of it all, I'm also working on writing more sketch comedy. You remember when I went to The Second City in Chicago, and realized that was my favorite kind of writing? Well, I haven't done nearly enough. My manuscript is making me crazy so in my time off from rewriting that, I'm writing sketches. How I'll ever get a job in that field remains a mystery. But that would be the shit. The dream job. The Crème de la Crème! Someone help me find a foot in a door somewhere. I'm past ready.

What else? Oh, since it is officially spring, even though it snowed yesterday, I also got most of my garden cleared with the kids' help. It was pretty nice out... until the snow started falling. What the effing eff? How the weather can go from sunny and 45 degrees to snowing and 30 degrees in an hour blows my mind. Sounds more like global chilling to me.

Okay, rather than bitching about the weather, I will plug my new peeps. Did you notice a couple of changes in the links? No? Why? Aren't you paying attention??? Okay, here's the deal, I have people linked on the right sidebar. When I am slacking or boring you, go visit them. Today Orny Adams gets a special shout out his blog is one of many new ones. If you would like to be linked, let me know and I'll add you as soon as I can. If I deleted you, it's because I thought you quit blogging. Set me straight if you haven't. Am I missing your link for no good reason? Tell me!

I know I have been a rotten e-friend. I haven't read any blogs in weeks. To be honest, after three years of blogging and reading others' blogs, I've spent way too much time goofing off when I could have been finding that dream job or finishing the books. I'm staying focused now, but as soon as I have some play time, I'll be by your cyber home. Thanks for sticking around, I appreciate all of y'all!

Monday, March 17, 2008

I Go Crazy

I spent the weekend at my in-law's in Missouri. It was a last minute unplanned visit, but it went really well. Normally I am not much a fan of anything unplanned. I need to know what is going on well in advance. I'm anal, what can you do?

The worst part of the trip was accepting my son, Lane 1 driving us there. He has his learners permit. He and I have spent lots of hours practicing. I've taken him on the highway, toll way, back roads, city streets and even down a couple goat trails just for giggles and shits. Crossing state lines, well, not so much.

What is it about his driving that had me on edge? I'm not really sure. He is a good driver. I guess the fact that I birthed this kid, and now my life was in his hands for an extended period of time, could have been what had me trippin'. Obviously he didn't kill me, so it's all good.

Speaking of driving, I told my mother in-law that Mr. Lane is driving me crazy. I've seen a few things in my husband that I remember seeing in my own dad. They say you marry your father in a sense, so it shouldn't come as a great shock.

Like my dad, Mr. Lane is a great errand boy. He will go, do and fetch anything I ask-ish. If I make a list, he will happily go to the grocery store. He doesn't always come back with exactly what I've put on the list. Now, I know I should be happy that he is willing to do these things, but I'm going to complain anyhow.

When I make a list I go as far as writing down brand names, size etc. I hate to baby him but if I don't write that stuff down, he comes back with say, the wrong brand of coffee. We've been drinking the same brand forever, but somehow he didn't know what kind it was.

If I don't specify and just ask for, avocadoes, he brings me guacamole dip. If I just say jelly, he'll bring back strawberry jelly every time, even though Lane 1 and I are both allergic. If I ask for shampoo and conditioner, he'll bring back a bottle with the two combined in some weird-assed brand no one ever heard of. Are you getting the gist?

The other day I had the basic staples on the list. Just a few items to hold us together until I could go do a major stock-up trip. Bread, milk, Silk, eggs, bananas and water.

He called me from the store, "Lo, the closest thing they have is rayon."


"Do you want to talk to the girl and let her tell you what they have?"

"What girl? What are you talking about?"

"The silk. They don't have silk here."

He was calling me from the craft and fabric section of Super Wal-Mart. "Yeah, I want to talk to the girl to tell her how dumb you are!" I only thought it.

Even though he has seen a carton of Silk (soy milk) in our fridge a thousand times, and seen me use it on my cereal, he still had no clue. If I wanted fabric, wouldn't I have had color and yards written down? It was pointless to ask.

"You know that fake milk you said tastes like ass? That's called Silk. It's by the milk."


Oh, indeed! My mother in-law said he comes by it honest because his dad does the same thing. So ladies and gentlemen, is it just the men in my life? Are you that guy? Are you shacked up or married to that guy? Is this a guy thing or are there women out there who do this too? I've got to know! Comment line is now open.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Be careful What You Wish For

Everyone and their brother is now on the bandwagon with the Law of Attraction (LOA). Well hells bells, Oprah said so. Anyone who knows me well, knows I loved Oprah a long time ago. For me, her show "Jumped the Shark" when she was dieting and brought out a wagon of fat to symbolize her weight loss. I haven't watched her since. Sure I may be missing out on some really good stuff, but the reality is, I'd rather be living life than watching it on TV.

But guess what? I've been on the Law of Attraction bandwagon my whole life. You longtime readers will note the three part Chip saga, the crazy princess turned pauper eight part story, the teenage runaway, the computer guy and the auto repair angels, among others. When a sign presents itself, I run with it to see where it takes me.

All of those stories are linked in order. If you are new here, please take some time to read those unbelievable, yet true stories. Or if you are an oldie but goodie and think of LOA as too cultish and weird. It's all good, because some of my closest friends do. Go back over those stories and consider how it has applied to my life.

One thing about the LOA that I never practiced was expectancy. I never expect anything out of life, and apparently, that is where I've been doing it wrong for years. I've always seen a happy outcome as a gift. If you've seen The Secret, a movie about LOA, that Oprah is now plugging, you know that you have to look for signs, work for a goal and then expect a positive outcome.

I thought Mr. Lane needed some help with positive thinking because seriously, he is a Negative Nate, especially when I get all stoked about stuff. He is the piss in my oatmeal. He is the poopoo in my Cheerios. Yeah, I love him but he is always the one in the family expecting the worst from everyone and every situation.

Reluctantly, he caved and watched The Secret with me and the kids. Lane 1 was my advocate. "Dad, if we are all working toward the same goals, chances are we can achieve them faster together." Ah, spoken like a true believer. I love that kid.

We stopped the movie at several places to discuss situations and scenarios. At one point, someone was discussing thinking about running. They envisioned it so well that their brainwave and muscle activity shows up as if the participant were really running a marathon. So this LOA stuff was suggesting body buffness with the power of thought.

With my former six pack abs now looking more like a keg, I said, "I'm going to get started on thinking about crunches to fix my stomach."

Without skipping a beat, Mr. Lane whispered in my ear, "Why not start doing mental kegels?"

My quiet retort, "You know I wouldn't have to visually kegel my va-jay-jay if you would just visually ball park that little Vienna Sausage you call a Kielbasa."

The kids didn't understand why we were laughing so hard, but we thought it best to spare them any nasty visuals.

At another point, they reiterated, wanting equals getting. That caused Mr. Lane's arm to reach over and pause the movie again. "I'm just going to keep asking for and thinking about a blow job."

"And I am going to keep asking what her name is. You do know I got married so I wouldn't have to do that sort of thing anymore, right?"

Typical of my husband, his wants are always wrapped in a sexual bow. But I was happy that he watched it with us and that he didn't piss in our oatmeal.

So this film was saying, want something, see it, mentally feel it, believe it and poof, it's yours. Whether you are praying to God or your kitchen table, ask for what you want. I'm no worse for the wear for trying this. I think all the time anyhow. Why not put those thoughts and energies to good use?

You all know how badly Lane 2 wanted the Wii. And you know we have been looking for one since November. The day after watching The Secret with my family, I woke up saying, "I'm getting the Wii for her." I believed it, I saw her playing it in my head. I drove to the store.

I walked down the aisle I saw in my mind earlier. Walked up to the kid in electronics and said, "Did you get my Wii yet?"

Looking at me like I'm stupid, he said, "Um... we don't know if we are getting any."

I said, "You are. Hey while you are in that cabinet, will you grab that game for me?"

"This one, for the Wii?"


"You can't play the game without the console."

"I know, but you are going to get them in and I'm going to buy one today."

Really giving me the hairy eyeball, he said, "Okay." and handed me the game.

I continued to visualize my daughter playing the game. I could hear her laughing in my mind. Every time that kid walked by, he looked at me like I was his crazy customer of the day. The one he would go home and tell his family about. I'd just smile at him each time. Finally, because he seriously was giving me the you're nuts lady look, I said in a creepy voice, "It will happen." He smiled at the nice crazy lady and went on to do his job.

A few minutes later a lady walks up and says, "Are you waiting for what I'm waiting for?"

"The Wii? Yes."

"Oh, well no one ever has them. We've been looking a long time." She motioned to walk away.

"Stay here, and wait with me. I have a good feeling about it today."

Instead of looking at me like I am crazy, she smiled and waited in my makeshift line. She started to open up about things in her life that were bothering her. I felt like an express lane therapist. But it was okay, because I welcomed this lady into my life. And the movie speaks of acting on impulse.

She told me that her fiancé was out of state visiting a dying relative. She said she felt bad not being there. I said, to be glad for the living memories and not the end of life stuff. And besides, who really knows if she has two weeks to live.

"Have faith in her," I said. "You just never know." She smiled, said I was right and then told me more about the family member. Her daughter walked up and asked if they had the Wii.

My confidence rubbed off on her and she said, "Not yet, but today is our lucky day. It'll be here soon."

Her daughter gave her the look, and I said, "Positive thinking, little one."

The wait seemed to go by quickly as I made a new momentary friend. And then the boy came up to me, stood way too much in my personal space, about four inches from my nose, somewhat mesmerized, and said, "We got 12 of 'em. We NEVER git 12." I smiled really goofy and couldn't stop. Wide-eyed he smiled back.

I paid, said goodbye and headed out of the store with the dumbest smile that couldn't be removed from my face. And then I heard the music as I exited the store. Chris Daughtry was singing, "Be careful what you wish for, 'cuz you just might get it all." Now giggling like a school girl aloud, and alone I floated out of that store. Fuckin' A Chris Daughtry, I totally got it all!! (I might have even said that aloud.)

Was it LOA? Was it good timing? Was it patience? Was it God? Was it my kitchen table? Was it crazy lady voodoo? Who cares how. We got a fricken Wii ladies and gentlemen!

And now for something completely different and short winded...

Inanna, sing baby sing! My dear friend Inanna, has volunteered her singing services per my request below. Get me an audio file and I'll get to the mega generic/ghetto video production. I can see it now... every trailer park in the country will be bumpin' with I'm Saucy.

Okay pigs must be flying, or hell is freezing over! My mother got a MySpace!

Please add her, and let her know I sent you so she knows who her best kid is. And maybe, just maybe, she'll move me out of the 6th slot on her top friends. She did offer to give me her password to remedy the situation, but I told her the truth.

I said, "Mom, keep your password or I will post a headline that says I am your favorite kid. Then I'll post a bulletin about how rotten the other kids of yours are. I will also fill your album with pictures of only me. And I will delete all of the other kids in our family because I was supposed to be an only child!"

Saturday, March 01, 2008

I'm Bossy

Mr. Lane is a little bitch when it comes to town gossip. I swear he is worse than any woman I have ever come across. This local barber guy is in his 90s and always butchers the crap out of Mr. Lane’s hair. Hell, he butchers everyone’s hair. Hence, he is known in these parts as Bill the Butcher. Seriously, everyone in town calls him that.

But everyone goes to Bill’s Butchery, I mean Barbershop. Some towns have their bars, or mom and pop shops where locals gather. Here it's at the barbershop. If you want to know who is screwing who, that's where you need to be. What's really funny to me is that the local guys are lining up outside before 6 a.m. on a Saturday. Where else in the world can you get a haircut so early?

One or two of the regulars bring donuts. Another makes a pot of coffee. The whole scenario would make for a great sitcom or mockumentary.

Every couple of weeks my old man goes in for a "haircut." Every single time, Bill cuts around his ears so much that it looks like my old man is sporting whitewall tires on the sides of his head. It’s a small sacrifice to pay for the gossip, I guess.

The whole town is weird. And since we've been here over a year now, I see weirdness everywhere I go. And seriously, none of us Lanes are ever going to drink the water. Face it, we are weird enough without the influence of our neighbors or the apparent tainted water supply.

Just last week, when one of my online friends said the pictures of me on MySpace were saucy, it turned into insanity in my brain. It not only turned into a song but a full length video inside of my head.

Those of you who have been reading Home Fires over the years may remember a little ditty I wrote after encountering an odd opossum loving lady. Crazy Opossum Lady was a smash hit, thanks to the mad music skills of Vince. (Vince if you have that online somewhere and would like to link it in the comments, feel free.)

This song came to mind a little differently because in my mind I was singing it to another song's beat. One of these days, I am going to grow some balls and make that video. Until then, here's the lyrics that I now sing to the song "Bossy."

Hey ya
You don't have to love me
You don't even have to like me
But you will simmer me
You know why?
Cuz I'm a sauce!

Uh uh watch the meat go
Uh uh watch the meat go
Uh uh watch the meat go
Uh uh watch that meat go

I'm saucy
I'm the first girl to steam in a pan
I switched up the meat and the rum
That's right, I brought the tomatoes to the pot
And that's right, I'm the one that's slippin' off the spoon wit da slots

I'm saucy
I'm the chick you love to taste
I'm the chick that's made with tomato paste
I told young cooka he should get a plate
I'm back with an parmesan to grate
'cause I'm saucy

Ooh, lemme slow it down for ya so you can catch the bubblin' yo (catch the bubble flow)
Stir it up make it go extra slow (extra slow)
Real girls get down wit da noodle yo (wit da noodle yo get down, wit da noodle yo)

Ooh, I gave you a taste you want some more (second round)
Of it in yo bowl
I ride the meat like a bicycle, icicle
Ooh, from the sausage to da meatball
The honey makin' food in the kitchen
Don't want no extra fixin's
We gon' keep it bubblin' while the plate's so full it's strugglin'

Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill
Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill

Ooh, (I bet, I bet) I bet cha neva ate it like this before (this before)
My baby be lickin' up as the sauce pours (sauce pours)
Got the jar popping is it Ragu or Prego (Ragu or Prego)
Ooh, I'm cookin', feedin' the crowds, it's all smoky
Garlic bread flambé yo
Me and my girls we stay fly and we love oregano high
Ooh, from the sausage to da meatball
The honey making food in the kitchen
Don't want no extra fixin's
We gon' keep it bubblin' while the plate's so full it's strugglin'

Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill
Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill

It's 'bout time that ya simmer me
Can't stop stirin', she's hot and she's steamy
Damn girl, don't burn 'em
If cookas don't get back, you gon' boil 'em
Get your mack on, set the mozzarella down
What chu want girl, you getting seconds now
That's how you eat it, huh?
Well I'm the tastiest one
In fact, it's in the pot get to the table while it's hot (bitch)
Tell that man you' want a sausage
Make some noise, raise your hand if you want da sausage
I don't think he understands teeth on his sausage
Get a new meatball if you lost it
Ain't no preservatives, fresh spent the cash mayne
In your Benz with her friends eat some Lois Lane
Flossing, you say "How much Lo cost me?"
About a million dollars playa, she's saucy

Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh...

And now you know why I need not take chances with drinking the water here. I seriously will never hear the song the same again. How about you? If you got killer singing skills and want to be part of this mega generic/ghetto production, volunteer in the comments below. Have a great and saucy weekend yo! Word!

P.S. I'm so white, I glow in the dark.