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Friday, March 20, 2009

It rubs the lotion on its skin

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It had been 25 years since I'd seen my friend Sherry. I was anxious to see her and meet her family. They came over Friday night for a BBQ and sleepover. I was so excited I could barely get anything done. I just wanted to wait at the door like an excited puppy with a full bladder.

When they arrived I couldn't hug them hard enough. Lane 2 and the girls scurried off together like long lost friends, sisters even. They played Rockband, listened to The Jonas Brothers and had a dance party, while Lane 1 sat in on the grownup talk in the dinning room.

I wanted to avoid talking too much about the good old days because Sherry's partner Jessie and my old man would have felt out of the loop. The few old school days we did talk about were two memories, I shared one and she shared the other.

I remember she and I did a lot of walking back in the day. I would walk from my house to hers (nearly a mile) and we would walk together to Harlem Ave. (another two miles into Chicago) where we would go to the dollar movie theater. We'd share a giant soda and popcorn, some times we would have candy too. We would watch a movie and then sneak out of the theater and into another for a second, sometimes a third movie.

We wore oversized hairdos and legwarmers, I'm not gonna lie, we were pretty fucking cool.

And she remembers the two of us stealing her mom's vodka and mixing it with orange juice... and drinking it... on our way to school... in 7th grade!

My son had a look on his face that said, "A - I am disappointed in you, mother. B - 7th frickin' grade?! C - My mom did what?! And furthermore, this is why she keeps us on such short leashes!"

He didn't say a word but I read him well. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking all of the same things.

In my head, trying to avoid the fact that I was a teenage drunken fag hag, I mentally recited a couple of lines of The Breakfast Club, "What's your poison? ...Ok, forget I asked." "Vodka." "Vodka? When do you drink vodka?" "Whenever." "How much?" "Tons."

Who knew I'd turn out to be a basket case? (Shut up!)

By the time the subject changed, we were laughing and joking about everything under the sun. Jessie told Sherry to tell us what happened to them that morning before coming over. Sherry laughed and said, "No, you tell 'em."

Together they shared a story about how having their gallbladders removed has caused them to use the bathroom very soon after eating. Mr. Lane looked at me slyly, as if to ask, "Do I really want to hear this story?"

"We were in the bathroom in the stall next to each other. But Sherry didn't know that next to me, on the other side, there was another woman, also taking a shit."

We all started laughing because who doesn't like bathroom humor?

"So anyhow, the lady next to me starts 'pffft,' like an empty ketchup bottle, 'thhhppppptttt, pphhphphffft.' And Sherry said, 'Where'd you get lotion? I didn't know you had lotion in there.' Quietly, I'm trying to tell her it wasn't lotion, but I was laughing so hard covering my mouth."

Sherry chimed in, "I'm the one who always carries lotion with me, so I was like how'd she get lotion?"

"And then the lady rips one again, 'pphhphphffft, ppppllllllllpppphhhhh' and it's gross, liquidy. I'm trying to hide my face in my shirt and not laugh out loud. Then Sherry says, 'Awww, you know, when I get like that...' I started dying. I wanted to text her and tell her it wasn't me, but I just flushed, washed my hands and got out of there."

By then, we were in tears laughing so hard.

Sherry said, "And after she left, I still hear, 'ppppllllllllpppphhhhh' so I was like, fuck someone else is in here. Oh man! It was someone else the whole time! Why didn't she tell me?"

"I couldn't hold it in anymore, I had to get out of there and when Sherry came out we just laughed our asses off."

Can you even imagine what that woman was thinking? I know I would have trouble not reacting if some stranger tried talking me through an explosive bathroom moment as if they were a labor coach in the delivery room.

For the rest of the night and into the wee-hours of the morning, we talked about anything and everything. Periodically making raspberries, "'thhhppppptttt, ppppllllllllpffphhhhh" at each other. Good times.

Speaking of doodie, please continue to vote for my friend Jason Dudey. There is a voting widget in the post below. You can vote every 24 hours and you don't have to share your email address or register for the site. Thank you for helping him. He is pretty awesome.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

If You Love Dudey... much as I love doodie, vote for my friend. You don't have to register. Just click the "vote for me" thingy. This contest will give him a shot to share his comedy with the masses. You can vote once every 24 hours, please do.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation. xoxo Lo

P.S. You can also add this widget to your site. The more publicity the better.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

And so it Goes

In the last two weeks, two of my biggest fans passed away. The first was our dear Hoss. The second was one of my old publishers who had been fighting esophageal cancer. Both had more faith in me and my writing than I ever had. My ego, along with all of my other 2,000 parts, will miss them immensely.

Thank you all for the condolences in the last post. I send mine to you as well. Hoss was loved by so many. I don't think he would like all of this attention, getting top billing on my blog for so many days. He's probably already off being reincarnated into a Sasquatch taunting hunters all over Oregon's countryside, because that's just how he'd roll. And he'd probably say, "Being sad about me checking out, is about as dumb as being sad about the dung beetles love of dung."

And so it goes.

My Dad is in great company in the afterlife. I have no doubt the three of them have teamed up to make some magic happen for me. I've received three really big freelance assignments out of the blue.

Beyond excited. Bummed that I can't share details. And so it goes, because ghostwriting is just that way. Ooohh, I just got a visual of me doing dirty things to my old man while we play in clay. I guess that isn't exactly what they mean by the term ghostwriting.

A-hem... it has been a stellar week in spite of great losses.

Do you know what this is? Yes, it's my daughter, Lane 2.

Do you know why she would be this happy? Or shocked?

She won $300 at the teen center dance. We've had this guess how many candies in the jar contest since Sept. 26. It started with $20 and steadily increased. The guy who planned and organized the contest told me she has been one or two numbers off for eight weeks.

I also had the pleasure of having an old school friend come over last night for a sleepover. Much like the sleepovers of our past, we didn't get much sleep. We stayed up until 3 a.m. laughing our heads off, as if we never lost touch.

Come back in a couple of days and I'll tell you all about the story that made us laugh on and off for eight solid hours.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

R.I.P. Hoss

Born: Oct. 1 and 2, 1930
Died: March 7, 2009

(Photo of Hoss proudly modeling the NIU sweatshirt I gave him.)

It is with a heavy heart that I share this news...

One of my favorite people, one of my first, oldest, nearest and dearest blog buddies, Gene Maudlin passed away today.

If Frank Sinatra and the Burger King guy had a love child, it would have been Hoss. He did it his way, making his exit here via Oregon’s Death with Dignity plan.

Spending his last months under the care of his bride, Scamp and hospice, Hoss wrote his own obituary.

The last line read, “Maudlin plans to be cremated and then will reincarnate.”

A jokester to the end. He will be missed more than I can express.

Monday, March 02, 2009

She's Like the Wind

By now you all know I have a screw loose in my head. Maybe that's why you keep coming back to Home Fires. Today I have a lot of random shit to talk about. Try to stay with me.

I wasn't going to tell you guys this because it was pretty embarrassing, but since it has become a running joke here, I thought, why not.

I was two rooms away from my old man, when I thought I heard him yell my name. Since I was elbow deep inside of the oven cleaning it, I yelled back, "What? I can't hear you! Did you call me?"

Apparently, Mr. Lane ripped the biggest loudest fart on the planet...and I responded to it, which he was pretty sure was the funniest thing ever.

Running into the kitchen laughing hysterically, he said, "Ha! You just responded to a fart!"

Still confused, looking like something out of Hansel and Gretel, I said, "I did what?"

I poked my head out of the oven to look at him. He was buckled over laughing and explained to me what happened.

Now every time anyone here farts we all respond. "I love you too!" "Okay, I'll be there in a minute." "No thank you!" "I'm assing you a question." And Mr. Lane's favorite song to sing to me now, "She broke the wind." He also lovingly calls me the Fart Whisperer. It's ridiculous that we are this old and still think farts are funny.

Which brings me to the survey I created. Based on a conversation I had with an old grade school friend on Facebook, I came up with this (feel free to repost):

What Childhood Game Are You?

The smallest of things can tell a lot about one's personality. The following is a list of childhood games, choose your favorite and tell me if the description is uncanny.

Operation: This person pays attention to detail, is meticulous and plans very carefully, realizes life is fragile, but enjoys the surprises it brings (like when you hit the sides). They laugh at queef and fart jokes and basically enjoy all bodily sights & sounds. They have a sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. They are always up for a challenge.

Hungry Hungry Hippos: This person likes to take life fast and furiously, they rush through most daily tasks to get to the party at the end of the day. They are insane when it comes to oral sex, they make like that plastic hippo and just go to town. They like to be around a small close group of friends who don't mind being picked on by each other but they don't like being alone. They've been known to take candy from babies, as well as cherry Jell-O from senior citizens.

Connect 4: This person is strategic in life, planning every step in their mind before acting on impulse. They don't do well with vulnerability but trust enough to open themselves up to a select few. They often times plot others' murders but are easily sidetracked by the thought of chair sex, with them stacked on top, of course. They deal best with people in one-on-one situations and enjoy the taste of sweet victory nearly as much as they love the taste of a triple stack burger.

Jigsaw puzzles: This person is an old soul, they don't mind being alone because they are content within themselves. They enjoy masturbation as much as missionary position. They are self-disciplined and love the feeling of accomplishment. They appreciate the beauty and tranquility of nature and photography specifically naked things.

Mystery Date: This person is either a girly girl or a gay man. A hopeless romantic who can't seem to hold down the man of his/her dreams. They put out easily for just about anyone, certain love is in the air. They are somewhat vain and always choose looks over all else. It isn't unusual for them to phone a friend while in the heat of passion to ask what they plan to wear tomorrow. They like to think of themselves as old-fashioned and wholesome but deep down inside they are cougars at heart, and always fall for that younger less serious man.

Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots: This person likes to go balls out bringing a ton of energy to a relationship. They have a strong self-image. No one scares them because they are pretty sure they could kick anyone's ass. They masturbate to relieve stress and always use a sock to clean up after treating themselves to a little quality time with Fistina. They are fond of the drink and love to party. Not typically ones to settle into a long term relationship but when they find their true love, they'll fight to keep 'em.

Twister: This person is the life of the party and enjoys a good amount of slap-stick humor. They are friends with everyone they meet unless they are treated poorly. They spend an absurd amount of time thinking about orgies and precarious positions for sex. They like to experience as much excitement as possible. But when it comes to organization skills they are lacking, but their enthusiasm is contagious.

Dungeons and Dragons: This person knows reality bites. They enjoy their close-knit group of friends and don't enjoy mainstream music or movies. They are deep thinkers with great imaginations and love role playing. They are heavy into the dominatrix world and more than anything want to be pnwed by a heavy duty chick wearing a rubber bra and welding gloves. Some may still reside in their parent's basement but have since graduated to playing Halo.

Life: This person has a good idea of where they want to go in life, work and family. They are keepers in their personal and business worlds. Their marriage is solid and their job is their career. They know the only way out of either is to go postal on a bitch. They have high-hopes for their own children and are great advice givers but not good advice takers. They prefer their sex in cars while their passengers watch.

Ouija: This person is likely wiccan or an atheist. They are true believers in the spiritual world, just not in a traditional way. They have been seduced by a "greater force" sometimes resulting in "Rosemary's Baby Syndrome." They dream of the impossible being possible, they are eccentric in many ways but are very private about their personal life because they have trouble trusting fleshy others. They are open to new concepts and believe everything happens for a reason.

Chutes & Ladders:
This person enjoys everything life has to offer. They have the highest highs and the lowest lows and rarely feel at an even keel. They like to pop pills, and make boxed brownies. They love to be surrounded by large groups of people and long for simpler days of their youth, but are proud of themselves for moving up the corporate ladder. Their favorite sexual adventures include the great outdoors and a Slip-N-Slide with a bottle of baby oil.

Candy Land: This person is ready to come out of the closet. It's okay, honey, most of us already know.

Monopoly: This person is a planner with a strong business sense. Unfortunately, they tend to overwork themselves and neglect the important things in life, like body hair and their spouse. After spending most of their lives as workaholics, they become alcoholics to compensate for the fact that their spouse is going to leave them and take all of their hard-earned money.

Sorry: This person is the empathetic type who always apologizes for things beyond their control. They try to be good in bed but the reality is, they finish before the game is over, therefore they are once again, sorry. But the good news is, this person is very well-liked by their peers and has a strong sense of community by putting others' needs ahead of their own.

Battleship: This person is a military reject, likely rejected for flat feet. They demand respect from their coworkers and peers. They like when people go down on them but they rarely reciprocate the act. They take life very seriously and are continually at war with their neighbors. They like to be the first on the block to bring out the lawn mower each week.

Mousetrap: This person has a vivid imagination and an inventive mind. They are constantly aMAZED by the workings of the world. Their curiosity and wonderment of the world makes them fun to be around. In their careers and relationships, they tend to be the big cheese. They enjoy the movie Green Mile and the book Flowers for Algernon.

And since I'm such a mess, you might have suspected by now, I'm a combo of Operation, Life, Connect 4 and Jigsaw puzzles.

If you have not gotten on the Facebook bandwagon, then this photo safari is new to you. Remember when Santa bought me a new camera? Well, I've been out putzing, taking pictures. I really wanted to visit a couple of my favorite places since Pat Quinn, our new and improved governor, reopened our state parks. But, it was too cold. Maybe I'll do that later in the week. Here's the things I found before I froze to death...complete with a song that got stuck in my head as I snapped each one. (More of how my insane brain works.)

If I Could Walk on Water - I think I heard him say, "Wait for me, eh!"

I'm Bringing Sexy Back - You know you are a fucked up mess, when a cow looks at you like this. Yes, it's true, I was out in public in my lesboesque gear again, Miller Lite cap, FFA camouflage pocket t-shirt, jeans and hiking boots. I know I'm painting a sexy picture, try and hold yourselves back.

Arabian nights, like Arabian days. More often than not are hotter than hot in a lot of good ways - (Yes, that song is from Aladdin) This Arabian horse was posing for me.

If you wanna ride, ride the white horse - That is one heifer of a horse, isn't it?

Back in black - Black cows are almost as good as root beer floats. Almost.

We're from the country and we like it that way - Beef, it's what's for dinner.

Can't you feel the weight of my stare - "Are you lookin' at me?"