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Monday, April 19, 2010

Above All

It’s taken me a while to purge this post. Thank you for being patient with me. Well some of you have been nagging but I won’t go naming names.

I’ve been sick for a little over a month, pneumonia strikes again. I can’t seem to shake it, medicine makes me feel sicker. Thought about a bottle of whiskey, decided alcoholism wouldn’t look good on me. Coughing my head off at 5 am, having a cup of coffee getting ready to take the old man to work, he rubbed my back and asked, “Damn you have been sick a long time. Are you ever going to get better?”

I said, “I really hope so since dying doesn’t sound fun.”

Now playing with my hair, he said, “Don’t worry Lenny, there’ll be rabbits there. It’ll be a beautiful farm.” Thinking he was being funny he quoted Of Mice and Men.

“Will it be better than Farmville, George?” I smugly asked.

“Yes, Lenny, it will.”

And that is how nicknames are born in our house.

If you’ve followed this blog, you know Lane 1, AKA McAsshole, is almost a grownup. A couple of days ago I began sharing this story with people in my real world. I’d been in denial for months, hoping something would change or not wanting to believe the truth. The next step in the process is acceptance, which is coming slower than anything I’ve ever felt in my life, probably because I just don’t want to.

You hold them in your body and can’t wait for them to enter the world. As soon as they do, they are your world. There is nothing stronger than a mother’s love. I have always loved my family members, and of course there were a few boys who came along and made the teenaged heart pitter-patter.

Then there was that crazy Mr. Lane who I now call George. Smitten, love times a million. I was pretty sure that was as good as it gets, and trust me, it was damn good. But when that squirming, wrinkled, red, baby boy was handed to me, well, there are no words as my love was bigger than anything I ever knew.

As he grew so did that crazy love. How could you love some one so much and not have your heart explode from your chest?

Lane 1 is turning 18 in two months. It’s so hard to believe that the 7 pound 9 ounce baby grew into this beautiful man before me.

In two months he will also graduate high school. One of the last big childhood milestones for my son who I am so proud of, and still crazy in love with.

In two months, he will leave our home to become a member of The United States Air Force.

I’m proud but nervous, excited for him. Sad for me. I wish I could have that little baby boy back. The child I stared at for hours and hours afraid to blink because I might miss seeing him do something new. The baby whose face I’d trace with my fingertips sometimes getting a smile from him even as he slept.

The one who stood watching me change his brand new baby sister. Confused he said, “Hey, Mommy! Where did my baby sister’s pee pee go? How come her gots two butts?”

This morning, I finally found a way to talk to him without crying, you guys my heart hurts so bad. How can your heart be so filled up with love and break at the same time? And you know, I hate to cry and I am never at a loss for words.

I asked, “Are you sure the Air Force is the right thing for you?” Without a second of hesitation, he looked me in the eye and said, yes. When did my life become a commercial for the US Military?

I took a deep breath and calmly said, “If it’s right for you, then I stand beside you in your choice. I just worry, ya know.”

“I know. But you don‘t have to.”

“It’s just that so many young kids go off and never come back home. I couldn’t take that, son.”

Lane 1 wrapped me up tightly in his arms, kissed my cheek, made me look him in the eyes just like I used to do when he was being a defiant two year old, and said he loved me. That was his way of reassuring all of my worries.