I've Got Hungry Eyes...

... & Everything Else

Holidays with the in-laws, I don't think there's anything that can make you fatter faster. Every Lane gained at least five pounds in a couple of days. My mother in-law cooks like a beast, and we ate nearly nonstop.

Lane 2 and I filled up on vegetables, so how we packed on the pounds is beyond me. Of course, my mother in-law claims carrot cake isn't technically veggies. Whatever!

They say getting there is half the fun, but because the weather was so bad, it took us 9 1/2 hrs. to get there rather than 6 1/2. We saw 41 accidents along the way. It was terrible. Worst ride ever. But as soon as we walked in the door, my father in-law had tacos cooked up and ready to shove down our hungry throats.

We seriously ate 90% of the time we were awake.

They took us to a buffet one night. It was in a grocery store. Have you ever seen one of these? It was our first time. You know how Target has a snack bar in it's own little corner? Well it was slightly different. You walk into the grocery store. In the corner, between the deli and meat counter there's a seating area. But all of the food is at those counters and then a giant salad bar sits in the middle of the main aisle, so you have to walk into the grocery store to fill your plate. It was crazy!

The old man and I were kind of waiting for the Candid Camera people to come out, because it was really strange. We walked with our plates up to the counters, where people with shopping carts were buying the same food but by the pound rather than the plateful.

We played, "Shopper or eater" as we sat there guessing if the people would grab a plate or a cart.

My mother in-law just goes with the flow. You could tell it isn't her favorite place, but my father in-law, well, clearly he was in supermarket heaven. This kicked sample day at Costco's ass all to hell and back!

He did have a sense of humor about it, saying they also had the same initial reaction, adding, "Son, go to aisle 7 and get me some soy sauce for my Chinese food."

Mr. Lane looked at his dad as if to ask, "Are you serious?" And then we all laughed at him. It's nice that the old man is the butt of the joke, even when we are far away from home.

Santa was a very bad boy this year. He secretly got a credit card and charged a Cannon Rebel for his lovely bride. Although I've wanted one since they came out, I've also lived by the no credit cards rule my whole life. Looks like Santa will be paying for this bad ass camera well beyond next year in more ways than one.

It turns out it will be a gift to you as well, blessing or curse, you can decide later. I'll probably have oodles of pictures to share. I already have a bunch but I believe my mother in-law would come over and murder me if I were to post the ones I think are the best.

Her kids who live all over the place, set up their families in front of their webcams and gave her a live broadcast of the whole famdamily, causing her shock, excitement, surprise, happiness, tears and...oh hell, it'll take her at least six and a half hours to get here to kill me.

Here's how she reacted to seeing all of her kids "together" Christmas morning.




First reaction after she took her hands off of her eyes. My father in-law, sister in-law and niece standing with her.







My sister in-law, her husband and her two kids, along with her almost son in-law, also stayed at my in-laws' house. It was packed. And on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, my other sister in-law, her two kids and her grandson also came over. They live about 15 minutes from them.

There were 15 of us eating prime rib, ham, tons of side dishes and of course lots of veggies, triple layered veggies with cream cheese frosting are pretty much my favorite!

New Years Eve will be relatively low-key. The kids are having a few friends over and my main goal is to stay awake long enough to make sure there's no mischief going on around here. I hope you all ring in the new year safely and have a great time!

See ya all next year!

I Hope Your Merries are Happy and Your Happies are Merry!

Oh my gosh! I have neglected you again! I am so sorry. Time seems so little to be had. The kids are out of school. The weather is crap. I do not feel the spirit of Christmas, whatsoever. I feel more like the reindeer shit left out in the cold. But, like everything sucky, this too shall pass.

I have been trying to keep up with my blog on Funny or Die, my family blog and my stalking. Yeah, I'm at it again. I have to get a great writing job. Otherwise, I may go batshit crazy, and I doubt that will look cute on me.

When I write stuff for my Funny or Die site, I am trying to get the joke out first, and 10 out of 10 times I beat all late night comics to the punchline. And I'd go even further to say my punchline kicks their punchline's ass a lot of the times.

I wanted to take a moment to give three cheers to Joe Ducey of ABC Phoenix. However, I beat him to the newz by four years. Better late than never, Joe! I just saw a report he wrote online about the dangers of plastic packaging.

You long-time readers will note, I saved many a needy bitch, specifically Barbie, from the clutches of her packaging, which nearly resulted in my own death. (Slight exaggeration may have occurred.)

You can read or reread my version of that same story here.

But kudos to Joe and the ABC news team for getting that important safety information out there, without all that colorful language.

There are no promises for early June with the Spike Feresten show so I've got to keep plugging along and try every option I can find. Since the face of late night is changing so much right now, I'm trying to make contact with everyone. I've also decided to try harder with traditional methods toward success. I really don't want a manager or an agent because that means I'd have to share my earnings. But, since I am not making any earnings this way, I guess it is reasonable to try every avenue. The goal is to have something solid for 2009. Did I just make a New Year's Resolution? Crap!

Christmas is going to be in Missouri again. I was hoping to stay home and get the kids rooms finished as part of their Christmas present, but my old man had an old fashioned shit ball. So I'm going to put all my big girl words away and be on my best behavior.

I hope each one of you has a wonderful Christmas!

I Don't Wanna Wait

A couple of years ago, an anonymous poster, left a comment suggesting that I was a bad mother because I am making my kids wait until they are 16 years old before they can date. They claimed I was fighting puberty and nature. Recently a friend, whose children are much younger, posed a similar question.

I really don't have to explain myself to anyone, but for my friend's sake, and for any of you parents who have the same concerns, this may help. The way I see things, first of all, they are my children. I set boundaries and rules in every aspect of their lives. I compromise. I love. I give and I take. Secondly, there are going to be plenty of times in their lives when they want something, and can't have what they desire. In other words, "Get used to not having your way, kids!"

At the age of 16, they are also a little more mature. They are old enough to work and drive, meaning they can get a job making enough money to buy their own car, insurance, and gas. Then they have their own wheels to get to and from, said date. They also have their own money to purchase little gifts for their significant other, or take them out. Why should the expense be on the parents?

Our lives are filled with situations. You really can't always get what you want. If you allow a child to have everything they want when they want it, they will be in for huge disappointments when they are grown. Why set them up for such a huge fall?

The thing about child rearing is, none of us know that we are doing things correctly until the children have grown into loving, caring, responsible adults... or become convict junkies. I believe we all do the best we can with what we have.




Lane 1 and Lane 2 in their younger years, best buddies for sure!




I was attempting to get a good picture of them together. They weren't cooperating.







But when I warned them I had only one shot left, they humored me.

The dating saga came up again because Lane 2 likes a boy. He likes her back. She just turned 14.




Here she is making her birthday wish.




Here's Mr. Lane, Lane 2 and I goofing around during present time.




Here's what I look like at 3 am. when I am awaken by a bunch of birthday party sleepover girls raiding the kitchen. (Shut up, you know I'm looking sexy as all hell, LMFAO!)


So back to this "dating" thing, I'm okay with all of that I like him he likes me stuff, really. But this boy asked her if she would secretly date him when she explained the family rule.

Lane 2 didn't say a word to me, she opted to hand me the note instead. My head was shaking "no" involuntarily as I read the words "secretly date" and my daughter said, "Don't freak out, just keep reading." She knows me well.

Below his note was her response. "Dude, you don't know my mom very well do you? She knows everything. She is kind of a stalker."

I couldn't help but laugh. She's right. The more I read, the more I realized why my little girl likes this boy. He has great penmanship, is kind with his words, makes her feel special, and at the very end of the note, he said, "I understand. I shouldn't have asked you to break the rules. I'll wait until we are 16."

I told Lane 2 I thought it was sweet that he is willing to wait and thanked her for sharing the note with me. Then she asked if it was okay for her to dance with him at the Snowball Dance this coming Friday.




Lane 2 modeling her dress, I kind of hope she sticks with the hat and glasses. Reluctantly I said, "If you want to dance with him, go ahead."

Later that night, I went to pick up Mr. Lane and Lane 1. Not thinking about our son in the backseat, I began telling Mr. Lane about the note, "He asked her to secretly date him, and when she said she couldn't or wouldn't, he said, 'I understand. I'll wait until we are 16.' It was about the cutest thing ever, in my humble opinion."

From the backseat came a growl and the words, "Over my dead body! Which boy is this again? I need to know so I kill the right kid."

Rather than telling his chest thumping son to calm down, Mr. Lane high-fived our son.

"Nothing like encouraging the internal moron, honey."

Genuinely dumbfounded, Mr. Lane said, "What?! It's his job to make sure all of the boys are afraid to ask his sister out."

This poor girl doesn't stand a chance.

We got back to the house, and just like a big dumb brother, Lane 1 started singing to Lane 2, "I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over.."

She gave me the "trader" look. I shrugged. She rolled her eyes. I threw my arms up. She shook her head then smiled. I smiled back. We listened to Lane 1 try to remember the rest of the words. Their father chimed in, and they sang an off-key duet.

Lane 2 asked, "Should I go lock myself in the closet?"

"I think it's the safest place in the house away from them. Got room for me?"

The Open Door

The ratings and reviews are in and Rosie Live is a no go for NBC. That means it's also a door closed for me. Not just my dreams, but Rosie O'Donnell's too. She has talked about wanting to host a variety show for years. I feel so bad for her, but I know, like me, she'll mend, and go on to the next chapter of life.

This morning, I feel pretty good even though the news was disappointing. The stuff I've been writing for the last two months in preparation for the show, honestly, wouldn't have suited the format.

I have been writing as if I were put into a time capsule. Carol Burnettesque and old time Saturday Night Live type skits and characters spilled from my brain. The show was not like what I expected.

Reviewers have been over-the-top harsh. What happened (in my opinion) besides the show landing on the busiest travel day of the year, I think she simply tried too hard.

You all know how long I've been preparing and talking the show up, and because of my holiday plans, I nearly missed it too. I was one of the millions on the road Wednesday. We arrived at my in-laws at 7 on the dot. I felt so incredibly rude, quick hug hello, "where's the remote?"

They seemed to tiptoe around the lack of luster. I let them know it was okay, and I would be too. What I didn't tell them, and a part of me is afraid to tell you...

Fuck it, I keep nothing from my favorite people I've never met, so here goes... I was writing like the wind one day and I got a bug up my butt to send a note to Spike Feresten. (click on his name and it will take you to the show's site. You can watch video of previously aired shows)

He has a show on Fox right after MAD TV. But because MAD TV is in its last season, he will be taking over that time slot.

His humor is a lot like mine, so I thought, why not ask my MySpace pal for a job, and you know what? He said I could send him a submission in June.

When a door closes... I believe this is the window I've been waiting to jump out of for years.

I had two months to prepare for the show that wasn't. I have six months to prepare this time. So what's your take? Did you watch Rosie Live? What did you think if you did? Have you watched TALKSHOW with Spike Feresten? If so, what do you think?

I'll be back in a couple of days to tell you all about Lane 2's birthday and dating??? Oh dear!